Why your body feels like it's in danger

After a betrayal or a breakup, many women say the hardest part is not only the thoughts. It is the body. A heart that will not slow down. A stomach in knots. Waking at 3 a.m. with a jolt. Feeling wired and exhausted at the same time.

This is not weakness and it is not 'all in your head'. It is your stress response doing exactly what it was built to do.

Your alarm system, in plain language

Your brain is always scanning for threats. When it senses one, it sounds an alarm and your body gets ready to protect you. Stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol are released. Your heart beats faster, your breathing gets quicker and shallower, and your muscles tense.

This is often called fight, flight or freeze. It was designed for physical danger, like a car swerving toward you. Your brain does not always tell the difference between that and emotional danger, like losing trust in the person closest to you. Both can register as a threat to your safety.

Why it can last so long

A swerving car is over in seconds. Relationship pain often is not. Every reminder, message or memory can set the alarm off again. Over days and weeks, your system can get stuck partway on.

That is why you might notice things like these:

• Trouble falling or staying asleep
• Changes in appetite or an upset stomach
• Feeling jumpy, or startling at your phone
• Trouble concentrating or remembering things
• Tight shoulders, jaw or chest
• Waves of feeling flat or numb

Helping your body feel a little safer

You cannot think your way out of an alarm, but you can send your body signals that the immediate danger has passed. Small things, repeated, tend to help more than one big thing.

• Slow your exhale. Breathe in through your nose, then breathe out slowly, a little longer than you breathed in. Repeat a few times.
• Feel your feet on the floor and notice five things you can see.
• Hold something warm, like a mug, or wrap yourself in a blanket.
• Move gently. A short walk can help your body use up some of that stored energy.
• Limit how often you check messages or social media when you can.
• Eat small, regular amounts, even when you are not hungry.

Be gentle with yourself

It is common to feel frustrated that you cannot 'just calm down'. Try to treat your body like a frightened friend rather than a problem to fix. It is trying to keep you safe.

For many people these reactions ease as life becomes more predictable again. If they stay strong for weeks, get in the way of daily life, or you notice you are relying on alcohol or other substances to cope, it is worth talking with your doctor or a mental health professional.

If you feel unsafe or are thinking about harming yourself, open the 2 AM page or call 9-8-8 (Canada) or your local emergency number.