Protecting your privacy and devices when trust is broken

When trust is broken, privacy often becomes a worry too. Maybe you shared passwords for years. Maybe your devices are on a family plan. Maybe you have a feeling someone knows more about your day than they should. Wanting your own private space is reasonable, whatever happens with the relationship.

Safety first

If you think someone may react with anger or danger when they notice changes, go slowly. Sudden changes can sometimes increase risk. In that situation, it may be safer to use a different device, such as a trusted friend's phone or a library computer, to look for help and plan your next steps. Shelters and family violence services can help you think through device safety in a way that fits your situation, even if you are not planning to leave.

A basic privacy check

If it feels safe to do so, these steps can help you take back control of your own accounts:

• Change passwords for email, banking, social media and cloud storage. Start with email, since other accounts can often be reset through it.
• Use a different, strong password for each important account. A password manager can help.
• Turn on two-step verification where it is offered.
• Check which devices are signed into your accounts and sign out any you do not recognize.
• Review location sharing on your phone and in apps, and in any shared family settings.
• Look at which apps are installed on your phone and remove any you do not recognize.
• Check that your phone lock code is something only you know.
• Consider a separate email address for private matters, such as conversations with a lawyer or counsellor.

Shared plans and devices

If your phone is on a shared plan or account, the account holder may be able to see some information, like call logs or location. Devices that were set up by someone else, or that they had access to for a time, may carry settings you do not know about. If you are worried, a phone store or your carrier can help you understand what is shared, and a fresh device in your own name is one option some women choose.

Signs of controlling behaviour

Not every hurtful relationship is controlling, and only you can decide what your experience means. Still, some patterns are worth noticing because they can affect your safety. These can include:

• Monitoring your phone, messages, location or spending
• Insisting on knowing your passwords, or getting angry when you want privacy
• Limiting who you see or making it hard to spend time with friends
• Controlling money or keeping you from accessing it
• Threats, including threats about the children, your immigration status or your reputation
• Making you feel afraid of how they will react

Some people call a pattern like this coercive control. If you recognize several of these, it may help to talk with someone who understands it, like a shelter worker or crisis line. You do not need to have a label for what is happening to reach out. ShelterSafe can help you find a shelter or service near you in Canada.

Keeping records

If something worries you, it can help to keep a simple, dated record of what happened, stored somewhere only you can reach. This can be useful if you later speak with police, a lawyer or a support worker.

If you feel unsafe or are thinking about harming yourself, open the 2 AM page or call 9-8-8 (Canada) or your local emergency number.